Suffering

People always tell me, "You're still young, you've got alot more to experience before you become like us, before you know what life is about."

I'll nod my head and agree with them... It is indeed true that I still have a long way to go, and those people who told me that would probably be long dead before I "experience life".

But secretly inside, I'm sniggering.

... I may not have to manage a company or family, deal with finance and taxes...

But I've tread paths that are unimaginable to most of these people. At least for my age...



I'm young.. but I've seen things that I shouldnt have seen for my age...

I've seen friends who have been with you through the good times and the bad, lose hope, lose everything.... from cheerful souls to despondent individuals...
Addicted to drugs...
Dying from incurable diseases...

I've seen people bashed to a pulp, blinded in one eye and have pieces of their own ears stuffed in their mouths.

I've seen big time gang leaders, and I've shook hands with two presidents...

I've been lost in jungles and lost overseas, in a sea of people who can't speak your language or understand what you're trying to say.
With only $10 in your hands, how are you going to get back?

I've plunged from being the bottom in the class to being the top few in the school...

I've snitched scholorships and lost them....




You want to experience what I went through?
Haha... sure. Go ahead. But I paid a heavy price for everything I felt and saw...

People who know me well would classify me as an adverse cynic.

But they dont really understand when I tell them that I barely made it through every obstacle...




Pain... I realize that pain is nothing.
Pain only makes you stronger.
Pain only makes you realize that you are still living. Still living on this earth.

Do you know what is real suffering?

Its hopelessness.
Like a victim dying of cancer.
Like a friend dying of HIV.

Suffering is when you realize that there is no second chance.
Suffering is when you realize that you have wasted your last chance, and all that is ahead of you is darkness...
Suffering is when you have a wound, a deep wound that you know will never heal...

Suffering is hopelessness.




I still feel a vacuum.
A consuming darkness that is perpetually there, like a shadow that never leaves...

I find myself incapable to love sometimes...
Everytime I try, I am counterbalanced by fear.

Its worse then fear... Its terror.

Its guilt. Its frustration. Its anger.

Its everything that I vowed not to be, and yet consumes me at the same time...


You wont understand...
Nobody would.

I feel so alone sometimes...












... maybe I should turn straight...

... but I think I'd be hurting the girl more then...

... nobody deserves to suffer because of my suffering...








*cries*